Everyone has been guilty of giving compliments that turn out to be less-than-sincere upon closer inspection. However, backhanded “compliments” are some of the worst, especially since they’re disguised as sweet remarks. It’s important for friends to be honest with each other, of course, but couching hard truths in fake compliments is rarely the way to go. (Unless you’re auditioning for a Real Housewives franchise, of course, in which case you can carry on.) If you’re ever on the receiving end of a backhanded compliment from a friend, the real meaning might not even sink in until hours, or even days, later.
While backhanded compliments typically stem from the speaker’s own insecurities, that doesn’t make them any less hurtful, says Sherese Ezelle, LMHC, LCPC, a licensed behavioral therapist. And when they come from a friend, a backhanded compliment is likely to sting even more — and may even damage your relationship.
Backhanded compliments run the gamut from clueless comments to rude remarks, and can also be a form of microaggression, Ezelle says. If it seems like your pal has crossed a boundary, she recommends disputing their comment in the moment by calmly asking for more info. “More often than not, to challenge them on the spot allows for the individual delivering the ‘compliment’ a chance to defend or further explain their intent,” Ezelle tells Bustle. “You want to be sure to give an opportunity for conversation so that growth can happen and friendships can be preserved.”
Of course, different friendships have different dynamics. Some close friends tease each other mercilessly and, as long as everyone’s on the same page, it tends to be OK. That said, it’s alright to recognize when something feels more hurtful than funny, or more like passive-aggressiveness than silly banter, Ezelle says. If backhanded compliments seem to be a habit rather than an exception, you can always tell your friend to buzz off — or look for a new friend circle.
These 23 backhanded compliment examples can help remind you of what a barely-concealed dig really sounds like. That way, the next time your friend claims to love your outfit or announces that they find your apartment “cozy”, you’ll know exactly how to handle it.
1. “Your Instagram Makes You Seem So Fun!”
Why it’s backhanded: On the one hand, it’s good to know all your careful filtering and captioning haven’t been in vain. But when your friend says your Instagram seems fun, they may be implying that the real you is much less interesting than the image you’re trying to project.
How to respond: “Because I am fun!”
What they could have said instead: “I’m so inspired by the way you curate your feed. It really shows off your creative side.”
2. “You Look So Great In That Photo. I Can’t Even See Your Acne!”
Why it’s backhanded: The nice compliment is immediately weighed down by the acne comment. They’re basically saying you typically have a flaw, but in this photo, you only look great because that flaw is removed. “It would be particularly hurtful if you also had an insecurity about your complexion,” says Sarah Dumoff, LCSW, a psychotherapist and founder of private practice here/now.
How to respond: “Thanks. I love this picture too, though I feel good in photos even when my skin isn’t ‘perfect.’”
What they could have said instead: “Omg, you look amazing!”
3. “I Didn’t Expect You To Get The Job. Congratulations!”
Why it’s backhanded: When a friend makes a point of mentioning their low expectations, it takes away from their congratulations.
How to respond: “I worked really hard for this. Go me!”
What they could have said instead: “I was rooting for you and am so relieved it went well!”
4. “You’re So Independent. It’s No Wonder You Haven’t Found Someone Yet.”
Why it’s backhanded: Among all the things ambitious people are tired of hearing, this is probably the most common. In theory, such a remark compliments your sense of autonomy; in practice, it implies that your independence is driving potential significant others away. As an added bonus, it perpetuates the idea that you have to compromise your sense of independence in order to be attractive. Yikes.
How to respond: “Yup! And I’ll know someone’s right for me when they respect that.”
What they could have said instead: “If you ever want to get back into the dating pool, I know someone’s going to fall immediately for your drive.”
5. “I Love How You Don’t Care How You Come Across.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may profess to love your devil-may-care attitude, but what they’re really saying is that they think you’re too “out there.” Either that, or they’re making a salty comment because they’re envious of your laid-back attitude.
How to respond: “Yes! It’s taken a lot of work to get my confidence to this level. I try not to focus on what others think anymore.”
What they could have said instead: “You always seem so confident and relaxed. Tell me all your secrets.”
6. “I Wish I Was As Chill As You About All This Clutter.”
Why it’s backhanded: The real translation may be, “Your place isn’t cleaned to my exact standards and I need you to know that.” Regardless of their intention, it’s rude to make comments when you’ve been invited into someone’s private space.
How to respond: “Really? What would you do differently?” Sometimes asking someone to explain their comment is a way to get them to pause, reflect, and realize they’re being mean.
What they could have said instead: “Thanks for having me over!”
7. “That New Haircut Looks So Much Better Than Your Old One.”
Why it’s backhanded: They’re right — your new ‘do does look fabulous. But no need to be rude about what you looked like literally an hour ago. It may also make you wonder how long they’ve secretly disliked your hair.
How to respond: “I’m all about changing up my look. I’ve loved all my hairstyles and this one’s great, too.”
What they could have said instead: “Wait, this so, so good.”
8. “I Love How You’ll Just Wear Anything.”
Why it’s backhanded: If you’re getting ready together, chances are this comment is constructive and your friend is trying to prevent you from leaving the house in a not-so-great look. If they make this comment once you’re already out, however, that’s when it’s officially rude — and it might even plant a seed of self-doubt that ruins your whole night.
How to respond: “Is that a hint? What’s wrong with my outfit?” You can be honest with each other, laugh it off, and ask if they’d like to offer some advice.
What they could have said instead: “Hold up, hold up. Do you still have those wide-leg pants? Those would be perfect for tonight.”
9. “I Would Never Be Able To Pull Off That Outfit!”
Why it’s backhanded: While it sounds like they’re admiring your style, your friend is likely saying they wouldn’t be caught dead in anything similar.
How to respond: “Thanks, yea. I’ve been feelin’ myself lately. I’m all about the cargo pants trend. Can you believe they’re back?” This is a way to brush off their comment and show your friend that your “weird” look is deliberate — and fashionable.
What they could have said: “Ugh, I can’t keep up with trends. Can you share your Pinterest with me?”
10. “You’re So Charming When You Make An Effort.”
Why it’s backhanded: Great! You’re being charming and suave right now. Mission accomplished. But what about when you’re lounging in your soft pants? Your friend is kind of saying that you’re not usually this charismatic.
How to respond: “I don’t always feel the need to be ‘on’ around my close friends, but sure, I can pull out the charm when need be.” You can also mention that their comment was hurtful. Remember, when in doubt, call it out.
What they could have said: “Bestie, you’re a shining star of wit and charm.”
11. “You Look So Professional With Your Hair Straight.”
Why it’s backhanded: Talk about microaggressive “complimenting” styles. On one end of the spectrum, they’re announcing that they believe you usually look bad or unkempt. On the other, they’re saying curly or natural hair is somehow unprofessional. And that’s not OK.
How to respond: “Well, I’m glad to know that you think my natural hair makes me look so unprofessional.”
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or, “Did you do something different with your hair?”
12. “I Wish I Didn’t Have Any Responsibilities Like You.”
Why it’s backhanded: People might be inclined to say this to their friends who live with their parents or to those who don’t have kids. Living rent-free or child-free can be less stressful than many alternatives, but that doesn’t mean anyone’s life is totally carefree or without responsibility. Saying otherwise is passive-aggressive at worst and presumptuous at best.
How to respond: “Oh wow, do I make it look that way? I have a million plates spinning at once. How are things going on your end?” This will get to the real root of the issue, which is that they’re overwhelmed.
What they could have said instead: “Do you have any spare time to listen to me vent? I’ve been so stressed lately.”
13. “Your Place Is So Cozy.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling someone’s apartment “cozy” is often code for “super tiny” or even “so tiny I don’t understand how you live here.” It’s also condescending since not everyone can afford a sprawling abode — or wants to live in one. It just isn’t what you want to hear when you’ve invited folks over for a housewarming.
How to respond: “Thank you! I put a lot of work into the decor. Wait, did you see my record player over here?”
What they could have said instead: “Thanks so much for having me over! I always love how you decorate. Oh! I brought a quiche.”
14. “You’re Coping With This So Much Better Than I Thought You Would.”
Why it’s backhanded: You’re literally on your couch in a onesie surrounded by tissues and rubbing at your puffy eyes — and this is better than what your friend thought? How did they expect you to deal with a breakup? You might not want to know.
How to respond: If you can muster some cheekiness, say, “Thanks for the vote of confidence, pal.” If you’re too upset say, “I just need someone to listen to me, if that’s OK.” Also, side note: If a certain friend isn’t supporting you the right way during a tough time, try reaching out to someone else. Another friend, family member, or therapist may be a better bet.
What they could have said instead: “What you’re going through is one of the toughest things ever. You’re handling it so well, but it’s also OK if you need to take more time for yourself.”
15. “You Look So Much More Awake With Makeup.”
Why it’s backhanded: Your friend may be trying to give you a compliment, but this one sends the message that you usually look bad or tired whenever you deign to go outside without blush or mascara. It might be their way of judging — or they simply might not realize why it’s a rude thing to say.
How to respond: “Wait, what do I normally look like?”
What they could have said instead: “I need that blush. Where’d you get it?”
16. “You Look Refreshed Today. I Almost Didn’t Recognize You!”
Why it’s backhanded: According to psychologist Dr. Roberta T. Ballard, Ph.D., this is a common backhanded compliment. It’s something you might hear from an office friend who means well, but doesn’t realize they’re implying you usually look messy or tired. Not to mention, it’s never smart to comment on someone’s appearance, especially if you don’t know what’s going on with their health or personal life.
How to respond: “Thanks. Guess it was that extra cup of coffee I had today.” And leave it at that.
What they could have said instead: “That color blue looks amazing on you.”
17. “You’re So Chill In Your Relationship.”
Why it’s backhanded: “It may be innocent admiration of your patience in your relationship, or it may feel like something else is being implied,” says Lauren Spinella, LPC, a licensed mental health therapist and owner of Peaceful Path Counseling. Are they really impressed by your patience during a tough time in your relationship, or are they implying you’re a doormat?
How to respond: “Do you feel like I’m too chill?” According to Spinella, it’s totally fair to ask for some genuine clarification in a non-accusatory way. That’ll open the door to a deeper convo.
What they could have said instead: “I really admire how patient you are. I’m also a little concerned that you’re dealing with so much and want to make sure you’re OK.”
18. “You Look Great For Your Age!”
Why it’s backhanded: While this one’s often said with the best of intentions, it’s steeped in ageism and the idea that you can only look good if you look young. “Sometimes the person giving the backhanded compliment might not have the intention of saying something hurtful, however, the impact is still there,” says therapist Emily Sharp, MA, LCAT, ATR-BC, RYT-200.
How to respond: “I’m sure you didn’t intend to, but when you make comments about my appearance it makes me uncomfortable.” Sharp says this will get the message across in a diplomatic way.
What they could have said instead: “You look great!”
19. “You’re So Articulate.”
Why it’s backhanded: Calling you articulate is a way to express shock that you said something intelligent. It has the same vibe as, “Wow, I didn’t expect you to be good at this.” The “you’re so articulate” comment also comes with a long history of racism, especially when aimed at Black people, Ballard says.
How to respond: “What did I say that surprised you?” Again, asking someone to explain their comment is a subtle way of calling them out.
What they could have said instead: Nothing. Or something like, “It’s always such a pleasure to talk to you. I’m glad we ran into each other.”
20. “You’re So Pretty. I Don’t Get Why You’re Still Single.”
Why it’s backhanded: This backhanded compliment can send your brain swirling through a list of possible meanings. Are they saying something else is wrong with you? Or that you’re incomplete until you meet a partner? Whatever it is, it won’t feel good.
How to respond: “How are the two related?”Depending on the type of relationship you have with your friend, you can straight up call them out or ignore them, Sharp says. “You can also respond to a portion of the backhanded compliment that feels genuine, in order to maintain positivity,” she tells Bustle. “Everyone handles these situations differently, but the important part is validating your feelings for yourself.”
What they could have said instead: “We haven’t chatted about our dating lives in forever! Are you talking to anyone or nah?”
21. “I Love Your Nails. It Must Be Nice To Have So Much Extra Time In Your Day To Pamper Yourself.”
Why it’s backhanded: “This may be an innocent comment,” Spinella tells Bustle. “But it’s also understandable for someone to be put off by hearing it. You might think, are they implying that I don’t have a lot going on or that I am prioritizing the wrong things?”
How to respond: “What do you mean?” While it’s often possible to glean the intent of a backhanded compliment, Spinella says it’s best to ask for clarification, especially if the words hurt.
What they could have said instead: “I love how you did your nails! It can be so hard to prioritize self-care with a busy schedule. Maybe you can help me do the same?”
22. “You Look So Comfortable!”
Why it’s backhanded: This isn’t a real compliment, says wellness coach Dr. Cali Estes. Instead of saying what they really think, it’s a roundabout way for your friend to indicate that they don’t like your outfit or that they think it’s inappropriate for a situation.
How to respond: “Thanks! I’m so grateful to be comfortable so I can fully enjoy myself at this wedding.”
What they could have said instead: “I love your outfit. I really wish I would have chosen something more comfortable, too.”
23. “You’re Incredible For Working That Hard! I Could Never Leave My Cat Alone All Day.”
Why it’s backhanded: While it feels like they’re complimenting your work ethic, what they’re actually doing is commenting on your choices as a caretaker. This one’s also commonly aimed at new moms, according to Dr. Anisha Patel-Dunn, DO, a psychiatrist and chief medical officer of LifeStance Health.
How to respond: “What do you mean by that?” Patel-Dunn recommends asking for more info. For instance, “Ouch, I feel a bit hurt by that comment. Can you clarify what you mean because this is what I heard…”
What they could have said instead: “You’re the queen of getting stuff done. How do you do it?”
After I requested my neighbors to refrain from parking in my designated spot, they retaliated by wrapping my car in tape. I chose not to overlook their childish response.
Gregory’s life took an unexpected turn when he got into a fight with Jack, his new neighbor, about a parking space. Gregory came up with a cunning scheme for retaliation after finding his car covered with tape one morning. This strategy led to a sequence of unexpected events and a spectacular showdown that caught the neighborhood’s attention.
Gregory Watson is my name, and I’m in my early 50s. This is the neighborhood I’ve lived in for more than 20 years. Since my wife Margaret passed away from cancer eight years ago, it has just been my grandson Harry and myself.
During the holidays, my scholarship-winning pupil Harry comes to visit, but other than that, I’m content to be alone.
The quiet was disturbed when Jack and his son Drew, who looked to be in his early 20s, moved in next door. I felt something was wrong with Jack from the beginning; his arrogance bothered me. But as he started to park in my assigned area, things got heated.
The first time it happened, I tried to be friendly and said, “Hey, Jack.” “I have that place all to myself. It is rather visibly marked.
Jack gave a sly little shrug. “I didn’t see your name on it,” he curtly retorted.
I initially ignored it, thinking it was an isolated incident. But it kept happening time and time again. I requested him to move each time, but he ignored me.
Because I use a cane and have chronic leg pain, I require a parking space close to my door.
My patience was exhausted during our most recent meeting. I was furious when I knocked on his door.
“Jack, please move your automobile right now. I am unable to park further away since walking that distance hurts too much.
After rolling his eyes, he finally shifted his automobile. That wasn’t the solution I thought it would be.
I woke up the next morning to a nightmare: all of the tape was wrapped around my automobile. It covered every square inch. I said, “Are you kidding me?!?” in shock. Who acts in that way?
I knew from away that Jack and his son Drew were trying to scare me into submitting. I captured multiple pictures as proof.
I laboriously sliced through the tape layers all morning. Despite how frustrating it was, I wouldn’t let them win.
I gave my young friend Noah, who lived nearby, a call later that day. “I need your assistance.”
After losing their parents in an automobile accident a few years prior, Noah and his brother Kris were now living with their grandmother, Kelly. She was horrified to hear about my predicament and offered her grandchildren’s help.
“Mr. Watson, what do you need us to do?” With worried eyes, Noah enquired.
I smiled as my strategy came together. “Jack will learn a lesson from us that he won’t soon forget.”
I took a cab to work and stopped at a few stores to pick up some things, such wind chimes, plastic flamingos, and biodegradable glitter bombs. I imagined Jack and Drew’s reactions when they realized what I had in store for them.
Kris, Noah, and I got to work that night. Initially, we evenly dispersed the biodegradable glitter around Jack’s front yard, making sure it sank into every crevice. Even if it’s harmless, cleaning it up would be a hassle.
I added, trying not to chuckle, “Noah, make sure to sprinkle some over by the flower beds.”
With a broad smile, Noah said, “Got it, Mr. Watson,” tossing another handful of glitter into the shrubbery.
Then we planted plastic pink flamingos across his yard in a spot where Jack would notice them as soon as he opened his door. His well-manicured lawn was suddenly covered with a vivid sea of flamingos.
Kris chuckled when arranging the final flamingo. “This will be incredible. He won’t be aware of what hit him.
Satisfied with our job, I nodded. Sweet, huh? Simply watch for his attempt to get rid of these.
In the end, we covered his house with inexpensive, loud wind chimes. A wind gust started as we were finishing, making a symphony of clanging noises that would no doubt annoy him. I felt like I had luck on my side.
Kris commented, “Perfect timing,” as she watched the chimes swing in the wind. “He’s going to go insane.”
We put in a lot of overtime to make sure everything was perfect. After we were done, I stood back and appreciated our creation.
I gave them a back pat and said, “Okay, boys.” “Let’s evaluate Jack’s tolerance for a taste of his own medicine.”
We laughed quietly together and went back to our houses.
I got up early the following morning, curious to see Jack’s response. It wasn’t very long. I could definitely hear a door banging at around seven in the morning.
“How in the hell?” I could hear Jack’s voice in my backyard. I laughed so hard that I had to glance out my window.
“Dad, what happened?” Drew questioned, running out into the front yard as he heard his dad yell.
With a look of amazement on his face, Jack stood on his porch. The flamingos stood like sentinels, the wind chimes made a cacophonous noise, and his yard was a dazzling mass of glitter. He looked around, as if he didn’t know where to start.
I gave in to the temptation of going outside and acting naive. Jack, good morning. Good morning, young man. You have quite the mess there.
Jack glared at me. “Did you carry out this task?”
I gave a shrug. “I have no idea what you’re discussing. Perhaps you ought to think about showing your neighbors greater consideration.
Before he could reply, his door was knocked on. Thanks to my phone call, two police officers stood there looking serious.
“Mr. Jack Patterson?” asked one of them.
“Yes, that is me,” Jack answered, his annoyance giving way to confusion.
The officer went on, “We need to talk to you about some recent incidents.” “We’ve received complaints about you vandalizing a vehicle and parking in a designated spot.”
Jack’s expression turned pale. “Depraved? I didn’t—
The policeman showed pictures as proof. “We have surveillance footage as well as proof that you and your son taped Mr. Watson’s car.”
Jack stammered, “But what about my yard, though? Take a look at this.
The policeman gave a headshake. We’re here to discuss vandalism and parking. We have to take you to the station. And you as well, young man.
I felt an overwhelming sense of satisfaction flood over me as they dragged Jack and Drew away. There was justice being done.
I was ecstatic. Nobody dared to park there again after I took up the free spot. Noah, Kris, and Kelly came over to celebrate later that day.
Kelly gave me a strong hug. Greg, I’m so relieved that’s finished. None of that trouble was worth it for you.
“No, I didn’t,” I answered, grinning at the children. “Now that you’re all here, I can park in peace,”
Noah grinned. “Mr. Watson, anytime. We’ve got you covered.
“Yes, and we’ll be ready if he ever tries anything again,” Kris continued.
We laughed together and enjoyed each other’s company for the remainder of the evening. With Jack, the nightmare was finished, and I felt peace come back into my life.
I was grateful to have such great neighbors as I watched Noah and Kris joke about.
Harry went home for the holidays a few weeks later. The warmth of family and friends flooded the house. There was Kelly, Kris, and Noah, and we all crowded around the fireplace.
Harry had a quizzical expression on his face as he glanced about. “So, what’s this big story that I keep hearing tidbits of?”
I laughed and patted the chair next to me. Harry, please have a seat. You’ll adore this, I promise.
We took turns telling the story, adding details and giggling over the recollections.
With a gleam in her eye, Kelly offered her analysis, while Kris imitated Jack’s disbelieving look at seeing the flamingos. Noah gave a lively explanation of the glitter bomb scheme.
With his eyes expanding with every turn, Harry listened closely. “Not at all! Grandpa, you actually did that?
I smiled and nodded. “Yes, we definitely did. You ought to have seen his expression when the police arrived.
Harry started laughing. That is quite clever! I wish I could have witnessed it in person.
Kris replied, reclined in his chair, “You would have loved it.” “It resembled something from a motion picture.”
Noah added, “Yes, I have heard they had to pay a hefty fine and left the neighborhood for good.”
“Much better,” Kelly continued. “So, Greg, we can all live in peace now?”
With a pleasant smile, I nodded. We continued to tell stories throughout the evening, reflecting on the past and making plans for the future. There was laughter and love in the house, the type that only close friends and family can give.
In the end, it was more than simply getting back my parking space and educating Jack and Drew. What really mattered was the relationships we had and the experiences we produced together.
In case you enjoyed this story, here’s another one you might find interesting: My seemingly perfect life fell apart in ways I could never have imagined when a strange woman showed up on my doorstep carrying a baby. I had no idea that this encounter would set off a series of events that would reveal secrets, destroy confidence, and completely alter my perception of the world.
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